Tag Archive: anxiety

Lent 2017 – Day 5 (I think) Digging out the PS3

It’s Day 5.  I haven’t used Facebook, Youtube, and/or Twitter.  I have little to no idea what is going on in the real world, and the POTUS is tweeting like a madman but I am staying away.  I’ve watched an entire season of The Magicians (season 1), and am about to jump back into playing Lego Dimensions (I might have a problem…).  Right now I am waiting for a PS3 update.

I feel a little more free, staying away from those outlets and I can only wonder what I have missed.  I wonder if anyone misses me online.  I talked with my fiance a few times over the weekend, but other than that – stayed in hermit mode.  I was packing for my move and going over the job boards, doing laundry, etc – but I missed my online presence.  I know this is going to fade as the days continue on, and there will be an overwhelming wave of information once I get back.  I’m rambling – probably should have thought this out a little more rather than just starting to type.

I ordered a pizza for the first time this year.  I’ve been trying to eat better, but the call of garlic knots and pepperoni called for me in the middle of the night.  The delivery driver even called me out “…haven’t been here in a while – you’ve been feeling okay?”  to which I sheepishly replied “…I’ve been trying to eat better…”  “Well, it’s nice to have you back.”  and it felt good to be back (?)  Why can’t they have like salad delivery services?  (OMG – did I just admit to that?!)

::sigh::

I’m getting a little anxious.  The wedding is eight months away.  I still have to find a job and move.  I have a lot of people helping me look and while I admit I am excited about starting this new part of my life – I’m scared shittless.  I know this is normal.  It doesn’t make it any easier.

Well, these things get automatically posted to both by Facebook and Twitter feeds.  It’s a nice record down the line. I feel a little like a ghost in that respect.

On to tomorrow.  Why won’t this update data download already….  rrgh.

Current struggle with A.D.H.D.

It’s been a little over a year since I was diagnosed with ADHD. And as an adult in his early forties – it does upset me that I was diagnosed so late in life. Part of me wonders what could have been if I would have had treatment earlier.

In school, my mind was always wandering. I received a lot of report card comments such as "trouble paying attention in class" and "indifferent". There was even talk that I had learning disabilities and would have to go into a different class.

In relationships, I was never "there" and haven’t really connected with anyone. I don’t know if this is a result of the ADHD, or my extravagant jet set playboy lifestyle.

But once I was finally diagnosed and put on a treatment plan, my life improved tremendously. In the past where I dealt with anxiety and depression – those lessened because I knew why I was doing those things I was doing.

Then things changed.

In the latter part of 2013, I lost my job. I was working in Cleveland, but live in Toledo. So I had a commute and based my doctor out of Cleveland. I would see him during the week, get my medication and life was good.

But – after losing your job, insurance was out of the question as COBRA was too expensive. Obama-care popped up but it crashed when I tried to access it and gave up. I paid some out of pocket expenses and drove to Cleveland, but then the doctor moved to another practice.

So today’s scenario, and I need to figure out a way through this… I need to get insurance figured out (the website is locked up through October? That can’t be right), find a doctor that has evening and/or weekend hours, and get back onto a treatment program.

I’ve been "off" the ADHD meds for a few weeks now – and I can really feel it. I’ve been trying to self-diagnose with caffeine – and that seems to work for a while. My concentration improves, but to take enough to get me to "normal" makes my stomach hurt.

So, there are a few hills to climb in the next few weeks. I am frustrated, but at least I know where the hills are – and what to expect once I get to the top.

Weird Dream…I was a zombie

I had a weird dream last night…

I was living in a world that was being overtaken by zombies, and was one of the last surviving humans.  I was with a group and we were running from the oncoming horde.  We came across a seemingly abandoned concrete military stronghold.  Inside the power was out, but it was a good place to hide…or so we thought.  Zombies can move in the dark and I was bit.

I became a zombie – but I still had my wits about me.  I wasn’t mindless as you see in the movies and I didn’t crave brains.  I blacked out and woke up two working in an office building…with other undead.  I don’t remember what we did, possibly some administrative work – paper pushing.  I do know that I went to fistbump one of the other workers, and my hand fell off – we both laughed.

So I woke up and had to find out what that meant.  I went to http://www.dreammoods.com/ :

Zombie

To see or dream that you are a zombie suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.

To dream that you are attacked by zombies indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.

To see someone as a zombie implies that your feelings for them is dead. You have not emotional attachment towards them.

The more I think about it – that’s pretty spot on.

Anxiety Attacks =/

For about the last week, I’ve been having nightly anxiety attacks.

I wake up almost every night at 2:00 a.m. with an overwhelming feeling of panic.  I have shortness of breath and shaking hands.  It gets so bad that I usually get up and walk around for a bit to try and calm down.  I then spend time staring at the ceiling, breathing deeply and trying to get the hamster to stop running on the wheel.

I’ve greatly reduced my caffeine and sugar intake.  I guess it’s a work in progress.

=/

Anxiety (1 of 2)

I get anxious a lot.

Especially now – my anxiety levels are high.  I try not to let them run with the synapses in my head – but right now there’s a rodeo going on.  I have anxiety about my future, about the job prospects, have I written down enough information to help them make a decision – have I written too much and put myself out of the position.  Is there a wording the hiring person (or computer) just doesn’t like, does my experience look credible – too credible – fake?  Have I concentrated my job search on the right jobs, have I made the right decisions to work out this path?

When I was in college, we spent a lot of time talking about setting up your career path.  Where do you want to be in five, ten, twenty years?  I had a hard time with this because I felt that as I lived life, my priorities would change and I want to explore those new interests.  Also, I don’t think that they took into account the job market changes in the last few years.  My degree is in Marketing/Advertising with some Computer Science thrown in to round me out.  My intent at the time was to find an advertising firm and work with them on their marketing for this new thing called “the internet”.  It was like the wild west at the time – people were becoming million/billion – aires in a few short months.  I graduated right in the middle of the “dot com” bubble burst.  It looked as if Enron was printing money – they were in the news every day.  Do you know what they did?  Neither did we.  One of the final assignments was to analyze the accounts for Enron and we couldn’t find out HOW they made their money.  They didn’t produce anything – they had sister and baby companies created under them to funnel money around, but the bottom finally fell out.  I was left in a state of anxiety – even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time.  My future was shot…right out of the gate.  I had my Bachelor’s degree and I returned to the same job I had during college.  The Job Center set up a great interview – Fortune 500 company, plenty of advancement possibilities, growing company, ability to travel and interact with people.  Sounds great right?  It was Blockbuster Video.  I already worked there.  When I went in for the interview, I looked across the table from my District Manager and we both kind of laughed.

Eventually I moved out of retail for a few months and worked in a beer and wine warehouse, pulling orders on third shift.  That lasted 90 days.

I fell back into retail and found that I was pretty good at it.  I found a like-minded soul in Kurtiss, the other Assistant Manger working the store with me.  It turned into the Kurt & Kenny show for a while.  We were very good at our jobs – so much that the Store Manager would take 3-day weekends away and could be “off the grid” without worry.

I received the call to take my own store.  The options were Detroit (huh?), South Bend (wha?) or Toledo.  Now – I wasn’t a big fan of Toledo due to an old girlfriend and weekend trips back and forth from Cleveland.  But I knew if I wanted to advance, I had to do this.  The call was on Thursday – I started full-time on Monday.  So, I packed up my SUV like a Beverly Hillbilly and headed west to my fame and fortune.  Anxiety levels off the chart.  I wasn’t fully trained for what I was getting myself into – but I would eventually figure it out.  Where was I going to live?  I was running and gunning to find a place to stay while working.  Honestly – whoever thought this out should have put a wee bit more time into the process.

After a while – what I thought was a successful run ended and I was unemployed.

Anxiety grew – this was the first time I had ever been fired.  What did that say about me?  Was I ever going to find work again?  Was I wearing a large red “F” on my chest – forever marked as someone who was less…  I didn’t have a strong support staff on my side in Toledo at the time.  An ex-girlfriend who had moved on, the cashier at the liquor store who kept calling me Kevin, my crazy neighbor lady who KNEW who I was, but tagged me as a trouble maker.  Winter was hard that year – I lived in a lot of isolation.  I didn’t have anyone to visit or anyone to visit me.  It was cold outside…bitterly cold.

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